As I drive around this great crowded state of ours I am constantly reminded that different cities and areas totally have their own driving quirks.
I used to think it was just my imagination until I mentioned it to a few people one day after three entire freeway lanes were stopped COLD in non rush hour traffic by two people who DID NOT KNOW HOW TO MERGE. The driver in the right lane slowed down to let the merging person in. The merging person slowed down so they could merge behind the slowing car, the driver in the right lane kept slowing and finally (I am not making this up) STOPPED HIS CAR while gesturing to the merging car, “C’mon, merge already I stopped to let you in!” While I, two cars behind him, was screaming, “Why is it that everywhere else in the world merging just HAPPENS? You aren't supposed to STOP in on the freeway you freaking you moron!” It was approximately the 300th time that had happened to me in the greater Sacramento region. I noticed it when I lived there in 1990, again in 1992 and they still hadn't added merging (as far as I could tell) to Drivers Education when we moved there last time in 2004!
And now that we're in San Francisco I'm discovering NEW driving quirks, many of which cause John to have several tiny coronaries every day. So I've decided if they can put all that other random garbled crap on ballots that I am going to petition (or whatever) for special regionally specific remedial driving classes. Please feel free to let me know what other areas and problems need to be addressed. Together we CAN make a difference.
BAKERSFIELD: Red Means Stop You Redneck Jerk
This course will focus on why barreling through stop signs and stoplights because “you hate traffic” isn't actually a valid reason for failing to comply with traffic laws. Films and simulations of ACTUAL TRAFFIC (from the bay and LA areas) will be used. Red Asphalt will not be screened because students would miss the point and think it was cool. A physical simulator will be used instead to give the student a physical approximation of what it would feel like if a pickup truck going 48 miles an hour in a 25 zone slammed into their passenger door. Chiropractic care will only be made available after the student has received a passing grade from the instructor. Students who say that Chiropractors are just witch doctors will be sent home untreated.
SACRAMENTO: Merging Doesn't Mean Stopping
This course will explore why citizens of the Sacramento Valley think that if a car is merging onto the freeway they need to slow to a crawl or even stop to let them in. Students will spend time in the simulators learning how, with only slight increases and decreases in speed, they can allow another car to move onto the freeway in front of them or behind them without greatly slowing the overall flow of traffic.
MARIN & SONOMA COUNTIES: No Seriously, It Really Does Take Longer to Stop When It Is Raining
This course will contain physical demonstrations of how a wet slippery surface greatly reduces the effectiveness of your brakes. Drivers will spend time in the simulator learning (by repeatedly rear-ending the car in front of them) that more space between vehicles and slower speeds will actually help them arrive in a MORE timely fashion because it only takes one tailgating speeding jerk to turn an entire freeway into a wet mangled mess. Students who fail to pass the course will be forced to attend the remedial version which requires each student to spend at least an hour in the physical simulator experiencing both the feeling of being rear-ended without warning and of slamming into the car in front of them. Chiropractic care will be administered only after the student has received a passing grade from the instructor.
SAN FRANCISCO Turn Signals – What They Are and How to Use Them
This course will focus on making drivers aware of the turn signal feature of their vehicle and then, through films and tests in the simulator, how to use them appropriately. This course will also focus heavily on the dangers of changing lanes without signaling. Students who fail this portion of the class will be required to take the remedial course:
SAN FRANCISCO: Pick a Lane And Stay In It
This refresher class will remind the student what lanes are, how to recognize them and why you can only drive in one lane at a time. Areas of special focus will include why turning your turn signal on before you start actually changing lanes is important, why you can't cross four lanes of traffic in one block even if you did just realize you need to turn on the next street and why weaving back and forth across several lanes while searching for an address is not the most effective way to arrive at your destination safely. Failure to pass this course will result in the impounding of the student's vehicle and the issuing of a Muni pass.
