And the list changes, usually very abruptly. For example I (like I think 75% of the women and 35% of the men on the planet) had a HUGE crush on Legolas in Lord of the Rings. I loved his hot little elf self and usually I don’t even like blonds. Or guys with long hair. But the moment I saw pictures of his actual brown haired brown eyed (normally something I’d prefer) scrawny ass cavorting on a beach with that skinny blond girlfriend of his it was over. And I even really liked the first Pirates movie but Johnny Depp in Eyeliner still did it for me WAY more thanOrlando ever could. And Johnny Depp hasn’t done it for me since I discovered over a decade ago that he just doesn’t shower enough to meet my hygiene standards. Another example is Johnny Lee Miller known for (in no particular order) being Sick Boy in Trainspotting, Being Dade in Hackers and marrying Angelina Jolie (who was in Hackers with him). I saw Hackers without any of that other knowledge and loved it (shut up) and loved loved LOVED him. Huge crush. And then I found out that he was married to Angelina Jolie and that when they said their vows she was wearing, wait let me find the exact description online, “The bride wore black rubber pants and a white shirt with his name written on it, in her own blood.” And that was the end of that. Anyone who wants a wedding like that is too weird for me.
Other obstacles, like being dead (I love Cary Grant) being gay (see: Cary Grant) don’t really seem to bother me. But if you’re a jerk or you smell bad or you’re a true freak then, well, you’re off the list.
One name that’s been on the list for a while is Robbie Williams. Who I probably wouldn’t know about at all if one of my gay friends hadn’t persistently exposed me to his music and videos over the years. He was huge in England (in a boy band that makes the Backstreet Boys look like the Mormon Tabernacle choir – don’t believe me – look up TAKE THAT on youtube) went solo, had one semi-hit here (Millenium) but has pretty much remained a big deal only to English people and Gay people because, despite all his protests, he runs around acting totally gay. But he’s got a fabulous body, I like his songs and every interview I’ve ever seen of him made me totally like him and think he was funny and a bit of a goof. And gay, but that’s fine because well, anyone who knows my history knows that gay guys and I go fairly well together. As my friend Tommy used to put it, “Laurel, just one more part of the coming out process… Girls, Laurel, Boys.” And since it took me way too long to learn there were many reasons not to date guys prettier than you I couldn’t really argue with him.
So I’ve enjoyed my Robbie Williams crush and several songs off his new album (driving through the Castro with the windows down and Rudebox pumping from my stereo – very happy making) including one called “She’s Madonna”
Let’s examine the chorus shall we?
I love you babyOkay, so my take on that was Madonna walking down the middle of a street and men pouring out of their houses to follow her. Of course what Robbie Williams didn’t know when he wrote this is that the song doesn’t really work because most straight guys are terrified of Madonna. Between the weird outfits and how sexually aggressive (and potentially kinky) she is your basic straight guy would run in the other direction. GAY guys, on the other hand, love her for exactly the same reasons. But whatever. It is a cute song. Robbie Williams loves her, he got the Pet Shop Boys to sing backup, more power to him.
but face it she's Madonna
No man on earth
would say that he don't want her
It's me not you
I've got to move on
You're younger too
but she's got her groove on
I'm sorry love
Madonna's calling me
And then today I saw the video on YouTube. I will post the link to the video at the end of my post because I really cannot do it justice with words.
Okay. So Robbie Willaims doesn’t want to be WITH Madonna he wants to BE Madonna. And that? Is so not hot. I think I actually might have been able to survive the video (I mean I survived the one where he strips down to nothing and then strips his freaking skin off) if there hadn’t been the FREAKYASS interview clips of him dressed up as a deranged and badly done Madonna-esque drag queen. (and WHY were the drag queens in the video so angry?) I saw that and it was over. Done. The video ended and all I felt was vaguely creeped out and pretty sure Alexis Arquette IS post-op now. Oh and that straight guys don’t know who Alexis Arquette IS much less have him/her and a ton of other drag queens in their videos. And just as much of it as I saw finding the link to paste in creeped me out again. Because THAT GUY? I don’t want to have sex with and, a bit like finding out you were sleeping with someone who was cheating or on drugs or whatever, I feel a bit dirty for EVER having had sex with him in my own head. If I could mop my brain and scour the corners and spray Lysol around I totally would.
Instead I am going to delete his songs off my ipod (until I get some distance and get over it) and try to find some new fabulous person to have the fake hots for. Maybe one of those boys from that movie The Covenant I just watched on PPV last week. Yummy.
Related Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2vHGL7GVcg
