So I’ve done a lot of ranting and whining about hating living in the city, and I do, for the most part.
BUT
There is one part of living in San Francisco that I really TRULY love and that is that anytime I want I can drive down the hill, find parking (which never takes that long, I have really good parking karma as long as John isn’t with me) and be in the Castro. I LOVE the Castro. I love the shops (unbeknownst to his ignorant coworkers all John’s cool shirts all come from a shop practically on the corner of Market and Castro called, I kid you not, In-jean-ous) and I love the people in them. I love the guy in the clothing store trying to convince me I need to buy John matching underwear to go with the shirt I’m buying him. I love the guy in the Body Shop who despairs of my refusal to wear eye makeup and attacks me with eyeliner ever time I go in. I love buying lube surrounded by walls of dildos of every description. I really don’t want to be, well, Kathy Griffin or one of those other biddies in my age bracket joyfully proclaiming “I love the gays” because: obnoxious but, well, I do.
I always have. I was a fag hag before I knew what those words meant. Little gay boys always loved me. My friend Tommy (the most adorable gay man to ever live who I loved almost as much as John) used to joke that I was a part of the coming out process: you date girls, then Laurel, then boys.
Luckily around my senior year of high school I’d learned enough to spot most of them (even when they weren’t sure themselves) and though they might be pretty I no longer tried to date them. I went shopping and clubbing with them instead. Much more fun.
Fast forward 20 years and now I finally live in San Francisco. Yeah, fog and homeless people and noxious smells blah blah hate blah but today was a lovely sunny day and I walked all over the Castro doing errands, had several fun exchanges, saw MANY cute asses (I do love to window shop) and, as a special bonus, saw my trainer’s face every 30 feet or so.
My trainer is, of course, an adorable gay man almost exactly my height with fabulous ink and abs that would make you cry. He looks a bit like an evil elf which I like tremendously. He kicks my ass. He is darn cute.
Which is probably why his friend who works for some AIDS awareness/HIV prevention group asked him to pose for pictures for a new ad campaign that just went up. BIG bus stop posters all over the Castro
The ads have text across the top that reads, “I’m HIV Negative and…” and below that there are pictures of four guys in front of different colored backgrounds holding up hand lettered signs that say things like “…I haven’t been tested in a couple years” “I think you’re hot” “I always play safe” etc. Then below that it reads, “There is more to tell him than just HIV status”
I actually saw a few of these posters a couple of days ago when I was rushing to my massage but since I wasn’t expecting my trainer’s face to be staring back at me (plus he’s shaved the goatee since the pictures were taken) I totally didn’t see HIM.
So this morning (while I was gasping for breath during a “rest for 60 seconds”) he told me about them and I was like, “Oh my GOD I looked right at it and didn’t see you.”
So then he started showing me texts from his brother who was calling him a ho (actually a nose icon in front of the word ho and Shane was like “what is that?” and his brother was like “Smelly ho” and then I had to do more lunges while laughing which is not easy.
The next time we paused so I could catch my breath I was like, "oh man... you were my ex and I hated you I would be neatly printing your phone number and e-mail in permanent marker on each poster" and he was like, "WOW you're evil!" and I was like, “Isn't that what ANYONE would do when presented with an opportunity like that?” OR you could cover the cards he’s holding with fake cards that said things like “I also enjoy Golden Showers” and “I like my meat dark and uncut” The possibilities are endless! I think Shane thinks all women are this evil and I see no reason to point out that I’m probably much more evil than your average girl.
After my workout I saw seven posters featuring Shane just driving home down Market. It made me quite happy, I have to say.
So this afternoon when I had several errands to walk in the Castro I got to play the game:
find the best sluttiest picture of Shane, “I don’t always use condoms” and take a picture of it to send to my friends. I decided after much wandering around and poking my head around bus stops that his brother was indeed fucking with him when he said there was one that said “I sometimes turn tricks online.”
The BEST part happened when I was standing on the corner of Market and Castro waiting for the light to change staring across the street at one of the signs with Shane on it trying to decide if I wanted to go photograph that one or look for a better one and as I was standing there a BUS went by and blocked my view and ON the side of the bus there were THREE cartoon penises of varying ethinic origin wearing little cartoon outfits and in big happy letters it said “GET TESTED FOR SYPHILLIS!” And then I swear to god underneath that it said “Happy Penis!”
I have to admit, on days like this, I love this fucking town.
