I bet this never happens to YOU at work!

I'm betting most of you work in some kind of an office or store or place with other people and that rarely do you get bitten or peed on. I would hope not anyway. So in my work as a Veterinary Assistant I occasionally have things happen that make me go, "I bet this never happens to my friends when THEY are at work." And then usually after I finish thinking that I have to go home and take a shower. Here are some of them:

• •    Today I got exposed to SCABIES by this evil little Yorkshire terrier puppy (we ALL did because of course the owner didn't tell us it had some horrible infection and was handing it around to everyone to hug and hold -- it totally freaking LICKED MY EAR) and we didn't FIND out it had scabies until the results came in 2 hours AFTER the dog had left at which time I scoured myself as much as possible at work (hot water and vet soap and then a swipe of everything (including my face and neck) with hydrogen peroxide but who knows if I am already screwed by now? YUCK!
  
• You see, 99% of the stuff these dogs have WE can't get so we don't usually worry about having contact with them. So Dr. Miller was just like, "Well, if any of you all start itching let me know," and IMMEDIATELY we all started itching and scratching like crazy just because he'd said that. So as soon as I got home from work I stripped down and took ANOTHER hot shower and scoured everything with John's guy Dial antibacterial soap so I guess I have done all can do... MAN I hope I don't get icky scabies from that nasty little dog (it WAS a cute little puppy but NOW it is nothing more than a nasty evil plague dog) and have to go on God only knows what SCABIES meds!
  
  damn little rat demon Yorkie dog...
• So guess who got soul-kissed today by a 139 pound Rottweiler (that would be one hundred and thirty-nine solid pounds of dog) and didn't even wet herself or run away in fear or anything? ME! This man came by to pick up his heartworm preventative which is sold by the weight of the dog. Last time we'd sold him a brown packet (50 - 100 lbs) and a blue packet (up to 25 Ibs) for his 112 pound male Rottweiler ROSCOE. And just a brown packet for his smaller more dainty 96 Ib female Rottweiler MARLEY.
  
  So I went over that with him again and he said, "Well... I think Roscoe weighs more than that now... I'd bring him in to weigh him but I don't have a leash," and I said, "He's here?" and he said, "Yeah, I've got him in the truck... can you give me a couple of leashes?" So I grabbed a couple leashes, handed them to him and told him I'd meet him at the back door. So I go back and open the door into the back examination room and these two HUGE ENORMOUS MY COUSIN WAS IN THE OMEN BEASTS leap out of the truck, leashes trailing behind them like streamers, and bound towards me. And I plaster this big smile on my face while thinking, "Please don't eat me. Please please don't eat me. I really want to go to the Ren Faire this weekend and I won't enjoy it if I get eaten" and they scamper (if bear-sized dogs can be said to scamper... galumph maybe?) into the room followed by their merrily laughing owner. Ha ha my dogs could eat your head ha ha.
  
  So he wrestled them one by one onto the scale and while Marley still managed to squeak by JUST under 100 Ibs ROSCOE weighed in at one hundred and thirty-nine pounds. I really don't think I can emphasize that enough. One hundred and freaking thirty-nine pounds! Of Dog! And then the guy told them that I would give them a treat (and thank the lord we KEEP treats back there) so I got to hand FEED these beasts. And I have to say they were VERY well behaved and I even let them lick my face (yes, I have looked into the face of death and it has DOG breath) while the guy said things like, "These are the nicest dogs I've ever had... I don't know why people are so afraid of them. People actually cross the street to get away from me when I'm out walking them," and I'm saying "I think they're sweet" and I'm THINKING, "of course people run away... Roscoe weighs 2 lbs more than my HUSBAND!" So I sold him his Heartgard (a brown pack and a GREEN packet for 25 - 50 pounds, a first for me -- or, to put it in layman's terms -- enough for a Golden Retriever AND a Border Collie) and then I sat down and took a VERY deep breath. And then I washed the dog slobber off my face. Sadly I was not able to get it out of my NOSE until I got home and showered that night.
  
• So, yesterday afternoon when I got to work Dr. Miller was in the middle of a really nasty liver surgery (when they went in they thought it was a ruptured spleen, instead it turned out to be a ruptured liver TUMOR ... are you enjoying your breakfast? It only gets worse from here. Sorry, anyway...) and after a long and very bloody surgery (so bloody they ended up having to do a doggie blood transfusion which in this case meant Niki running home to get her Golden Retriever Koa, who was not at ALL thrilled to be volunteering and had to be sedated) and the blood transfusion we all got to help clean up.
  
  MY task was to, "Take the towels into the back and rinse the blood out of them before we put them in the washer." So I hauled this bucket of bloody towels to one of the runs in the back, figured out a way to hook the towels to the walls so I could rinse them evenly, turned the water on and TORRENTS OF REMEMBER-THAT-ELEVATOR--IN-THE SHINING BLOOD just POURED off of them! Literally just a waterfall of blood came pouring off several of the towels, ran down the wall and then circled the drain and then even when I thought I'd gotten them rinsed and would try to wring them out MORE blood would drip out (all over ME, my shoes my pants and my HANDS and ARMS thank you very much) and then Judy would drag them from the run to the washer so it fully looked like someone had been murdered in one of the dog runs and then dragged across the floor to the washer. It took about 45 minutes to get them all rinsed up and then another 15 clean up the carnage and myself. Needless to say I never got around to eating the LUNCH I'd brought with me.
  
  And then of course later in the afternoon I stepped in dog poop*. Of course.
  
  Oh and did I mention that after all that I got to clean up as best I could (thank GOD I'd decided to bring a COMPLETE change of clothes) and meet John for our "romantic" better-late-than-never anniversary dinner?!
  
  *poor Koa, too stoned and dizzy from giving blood decided that "outside" meant "outside the operation room" and totally POOPED right in the middle of the hallway I rush up and down all day.
   
• As bad as the heat wave has been for electricity bills and my rosebushes it has been WAY worse for old decrepit cats.
  
  As a follow up to Thursday's record 105+ temperatures we had the Friday of Dying Cats. The first one was waiting (prostrate, panting and seizing in a basket with his owner banging frantically on the door) when I arrived at work yesterday morning and they just kept coming all day. I had stopped on the way in to get bagels and even splurged on a $3.00 iced latte since I was already there. I never got around to drinking it.
  
  At one point I walked into the back and it was like walking into some Daliesque rendition of a veterinary office. There were literally wilted cats draped across every flat surface. Of course, in a Dali painting they all would have been just dripping off counters and tables with maybe huge clocks and scalpels and mice looming behind them whereas we had techs and vets running around like crazy trying to get fluids into them and keep them alive. Not fun.
  
  I got there at 7:45am and didn't leave (except for a brief lunch break which I used to rush home, turn on the AC In the study and lock Putters in there so she wouldn't join their ranks) to go home until 7:05PM but at that time the dying cats were all still, well, alive.
  
  What will be waiting for me when I go BACK to open in an hour, I have no idea.

And yes I know my little "I bet this never happens to you" essays are usually amusing (I hope) but my LORD I had to vent about this a little bit and I also really felt the need to say, "People, if you have pets and you are having a heat wave PLEASE make sure you keep them cool and hydrated and if this means locking them in the house with 3 different fans on them then that is what you need to do. Thank you."