Almost the last nail in the coffin

In a month my mom will have been dead for a year. And I’m beginning to seriously wonder if all the changes I’ve experienced this year are temporary (as I assumed a lot of them would be) or are going to be permanent.

At the moment, I am wondering if I’m ever going to get excited about any holiday ever again.

Holidays have always been my thing. I decorate. The outside of the house (our neighbors used to drive by our cottage every holiday to see what I’d done to it… it was just one more fun quirky Petaluma thing) AND the inside. I have boxes, large boxes, for each holiday. Valentine’s Day, Saint Patrick’s Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Two Halloween boxes, Thanksgiving and of course well over a dozen Christmas boxes if you count the Dickens Houses. So far this year I haven’t opened any of them. Nor have I sent cards marking the occasions which usually, if you are at all on my list of people who love me/are used to my eccentricities, you got a card. Decorated with matching themed stickers.

Of course the first three (Valentines, Saint Patrick’s and Easter) happened when I was still pretty deep in my grieving fugue and my total lack of desire to spread hearts or green teddy bears or bunnies around didn’t surprise me. And I only have a 4th of July box because we held family BBQ’s at our house a few times. But this summer if someone had brought it up I would have bet money that I’d be pulling the Halloween box out right on schedule (next to Christmas Halloween is my favorite). It contains several beloved stuffed animals and a truly COOL little Dickens scene my parents bought for John. It is now October 17th and the box is still in the garage. And I am pretty sure it is staying there.

Heck, I have no idea what I am going to BE for Halloween this year and that is something I’ve been known to start planning IN JULY. No exaggeration. But this year I had no inspirational ideas. Hell, if John’s band wasn’t playing a Halloween gig on Halloween I probably wouldn’t dress up at all. Those shirts with all the costumes where you just check a box that says like MUMMY or BLACK CAT? I am so feeling that right now.

What I am not feeling is the excitement that usually has built up fairly well by now.

So the question is: how much of this is because at least a 3rd of all the stuff in each holiday box came from my mother? She loved decorating for holidays too (Easter was her favorite because it was all pastels. Jesus had nothing to do with it but man did she love a really good Easter bunny). I totally inherited that from her and then, being my silly extravagant self, took it to the next level. Every year we sent each other the best Easter bunny we could find.

And then there’s the fact that for her all holiday decorating came to an abrupt end right before Easter the year she died. She was admitted into the hospital the day before my yearly Easter package arrived and when I visited in June I noticed it was still sitting unopened in a corner. I had my dad open it and tried to get him to throw out the chocolate but he insisted on putting them in the fridge so mom could have it when she got better. She never got better and she never came home. After she died I finally convinced him to throw it away. The little ducky and bunny I sent with the chocolate are still sitting, now covered with dust, on the corner of the end table.

I do know that I still have residual “my mom’s funeral was on my birthday” issues. I have no more desire to celebrate it this year than I did last year. People really tried to “just do something later” to make up for it but I had zero interest. I think I’ll just turn 37 again again. I don’t even want gifts or really to even acknowledge it. I wonder how many years that will take to wear off? Luckily I think I can pull off being 37 for several more years if I need to. Thank god for years of faithful sunscreen wearing.

And lastly, I can just see Christmas peeking over the horizon. The only reason our house got decorated for Christmas last year was that we put everything up the weekend before my mom died.

If it was just me I think I could get into the spirit of it for John’s sake, but now there’s John’s mom to factor into the equation. After cruising along pretty well for so long that we maybe got a bit too used to it, the cancer seems to finally really sinking its teeth into her. It is possible she won’t see Christmas. Just that thought doesn’t really inspire holiday cheer. I have no idea how John will react. To say we’re wired differently is a drastic understatement. I have no idea if he’ll want all the colorful decorations up anyway to try and keep normality and cheer us up or if he’ll join me in the “aw fuck it…” corner. It would be truly weird not to decorate for Christmas. We’re actually going down to visit her next weekend so I guess I’ll have a better idea of where things stand soon enough.

I do know one thing… if I do decide I just want to get rid of all my holiday crap it is going to make for one seriously weird yard sale.