OBITUARIES

Laurel Elizabeth, age 34, erstwhile veterinary assistant, perennial writer of wit and incurable giver of gifts, died at home in Folsom, California, on Tuesday, August 10, 2004, following a courageous battle with the Visa bill.

She was born in the city of XXXXXXXXXXX (name omitted in accordance with the deceased's wishes). From a young age, Laurel loved to shop. She rarely met a store she didn't like, and her propensity for items pretty and whimsical is well known among all those fortunate enough to call her friend.

"She was always buying people presents," says Deborah Graff, a grieving friend of Laurel's. "I can't tell you how many times she told me how tight money was, and yet within days or even hours, a gift would arrive for me. I always assumed she stole the gifts, or forced her house elves to make them. But I guess she was just racking up a Visa bill like the rest of us."

Laurel is survived by her husband, John, lately of the California State Prison, where he is serving 3-6 months for second degree murder following the discovery of a large Visa bill incurred by Laurel. At the landmark trial, the judge issued a sentence of unprecedented leniency, and even shook the defendant's hand after the sentence was read. Laurel is further survived by many friends who are grateful for the shiny things and silly knickknacks bestowed upon them over the years.

"I wish I had kept more of the goofy little presents she was always sending me," says a friend who wishes to remain anonymous. "They would really mean something to me now that she's gone. I bet I could get a lot for them on eBay."

Funeral services for Laurel Merlino will be held at a to-be-determined date and time, pending the release of her husband, John Merlino, from prison. Despite his need to kill Laurel for racking up a ridiculously large Visa bill, still he wishes to honor her memory and invite the hundreds of people who have profited from her misguided generosity to join with him in bidding farewell to this beautiful person who made so many mailboxes a little fuller, and so many lives a little brighter.

In lieu of flowers, mourners are invited to donate to the Merlinos' Visa account.