I’m usually pretty good at being able to capture feelings and put them into words. I love words and have always found joy in nailing down the exact language to capture something. It is possible my single favorite piece of writing is “The Literary Offenses of James Fennimore Cooper” by Mark Twain. In that short essay Twain conveys the difference between getting it exactly right and settling for close enough. The difference between writing in perfect pitch and being off key. I try very hard to write on key. Maybe too much metaphorical vibrato but in tune.
But on this issue I feel like all I can muster, both literally and linguistically, are sounds, not words. A high pitched wail. A low moan. The sound of teeth grinding. A pencil tapping nervously. An almost inaubible whimper. And the something that makes no sound at all: a tiny flicker of hope So many things rise up in my throat at once that it seems impossible to give voice to them.
But I am going to try. I’m not going to worry about this being well written because it won’t be. I’m going to sharp and flat all over the place but if I can get my feelings across in an intelligible manor I will be more than satisfied.
I think of all the things boiling inside of me the biggest one is just fear. Fear that John McCain is going to win. The thought of it makes my stomach hurt. Our country is in SUCH a mess right now. The world isn’t doing so great either. I think most of the world would happily watch us burn to the ground if it didn’t negatively effect their economy as well. We’re the playground bullies who are finally getting their due.
I always loathed George Bush. I was crushed and bewildered when Gore didn’t win. I was flummoxed that the Supreme Court could just decide it would take too long to count all the votes. That they could just declare Bush the winner. I was frustrated that we couldn’t find anyone better than Kerry to run up against him the next time. I opposed the war Bush so gleefully plunged us into but I didn’t really start to be afraid of him until Katrina. I always thought, “Well, yeah, he’s a dumb jackass but he isn’t the devil” until I saw footage (not on our networks of course, but on the BBC) of what was being allowed to happen in New Orleans. Our government just let those people die. American citizens were referred to as refugees. Years later I still can’t believe that happened. Chris Rock says George Bush doesn’t give a fuck and he’s right. He REALLY doesn’t. If it doesn’t affect him personally he doesn’t even want to know.
So a few years ago I stopped believing that if there was some awful catastrophe the government would come and save me. If there’s a horrible earthquake here I fully expect to die slowly trapped under my own bookcase.
To me John McCain is just more George Bush. When he finally got OUT of that prison camp the first thing he did was divorce his crippled wife, you know, the one who had waited for him all those years, and marry a rich blond beer heiress. I don’t think John McCain gives any more of a fuck than Bush does. He’s rich and old. He wants to be president. He spent years standing up to the Bush administration about torture, the acts being perpetrated at Guantánamo Bay and Abu Ghraib and why it was so important not to break the Geneva convention. Until he decided he wanted to be president. Then he signed off on the, “Oh waterboarding isn’t really THAT bad” bill because he didn’t want to be on Bush’s bad side. To me this says everything you could ever need to know about his character. If he was willing to stand down on THAT issue than there is nothing he won’t compromise on. No value he won’t concede. No promise he won’t blithely break.
Sarah Palin to me is just the embodiment of your basic proudly ignorant American. She terrifies me. I’m not alone in this. The online community if filled with essays by better women writers than me who have written at length about having full on wake-up-screaming nightmares about her. She shoots Moose for fun. She shoots wolves from helicopters. She thinks a 13 year old girl raped by her own father should have to carry the fetus to term. She’s going to make her daughter marry that tool that knocked her up. She thinks she’s actually qualified for the job. She’s terrifying.
And then there’s Obama. That’s where the little flicker of hope comes in. I think he’s for real. I really want him to win. Every few weeks, when my dread reaches a certain level, I throw more money at his campaign. If he loses I don’t want it to be my fault. Which is also why I am writing this even though it may offend some of my friends. This is one of those times when you have to stand up for, and speak out about, what you believe. I think if he wins we might just have a chance. I think things are still going to be bad for a while but I think we might pull out of it in one piece. If he wins maybe my gay friends won’t be made illegal. If he wins maybe Roe V. Wade won’t be overturned. If he wins all the people who have united behind him might realize there are more good things we can accomplish.
Thinking about it right now I my stomach is clenching and I am so scared. So scared of what the future may hold. Almost too scared to hope. Almost, but not quite.
So I guess it comes down to this:
If you have gay friends vote for Obama.
If you think you or someone you love might need medical attention vote for Obama.
If you think freedom of speech and freedom of the press are important vote for Obama.
And most importantly if you or your daughter or your wife or one of your friends could ever conceivably end up in a situation where they need an abortion, vote for Obama. Don’t think about this in the abstract. Think about your wife or teenage daughter being raped one night and becoming pregnant from it. Think about all the trauma and fear and damage and then think about her then having to carry that fetus to term and what that pregnancy would do to you and your family. Make it personal. REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.
Please. If John McCain wins I think we are going to lose so much more of who we are that, as a people, we may never recover. Please.
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