I am a holy terror right now. That insecure 17 year old brat that usually stays quietly tucked away deep inside my head? She is RUNNING the show right now. For the guys reading this: imagine if your woman suddenly came down with a SCREAMING CASE OF PMS two weeks early. Its pretty much like that.
Thank GOD I had a hunch I would be like this and sent John far FAR away. Like JAPAN far away. He needed to go sometime this month and I was like, “for the sake of our marriage, go this week” and he was like, “but you leave the morning I get back… I’ll only miss you by a few hours and I won’t see you for an entire WEEK” and I was like, “I know, and I will miss you but honey, trust me, at least when the week is over you’ll still love me.” He wanted me to wait to leave until he got home so we could at least spend “a little bit of time together” but I was afraid I would try and pack a week’s worth of insanity into an hour so I vetoed that.
So yesterday I got him safely off and onto a plane and he is now somewhere outside of Tokyo where I can’t even call him (say, if I wanted to throw a hissy fit about something or cry about how I really don’t want to go) I have to wait for him to call ME and then he can only talk for two minutes.
Today while I was working out with my trainer I was so thankful it was Shane because I knew if I threw the “I just want to go home this HURTS and I’m tired WAH” tantrum I was feeling he’d have been like “Sure… you can totally go home… in 35 more minutes. Now get that leg back up” I knew it would roll right off him AND do no good. I mean, I could embarrass myself by crying in the gym if I wanted but I was still going to have to work just as hard while I was doing it. And since crying while doing lunges was not an appealing image to me, I just dug in and did the workout.
I miss John a LOT but I am really glad he’s gone because today I already WAY crossed the line with a friend who had the nerve to be BUSY with work commitments after being on VACATION most of last week. Normally I am sensitive to these kinds of things. I am. I’m very good about “hey, I hope work isn’t trying to kill you in revenge for you actually taking a few days off” but today? Today I was just BENT and petulant and bratty. What about ME!? You said you’d have time for ME! It was not attractive.
And it is only Tuesday.
And tomorrow I head to the mall (the one bracketed by Bloomingdales and Nordstrom) with a credit card and sense of entitelment. One of my friends pointed out it was a REALLY good thing I had my inheritance because otherwise I’d be calling all, “Okay, John may divorce me but I got the most FABULOUS dress and maybe four pairs of shoes were too many but I couldn’t decide and… and people don’t actually get divorced over ONE shopping spree do they?” Or as she put it “there’s a reason 15 year olds don’t have credit cards.”
God only KNOWS what I am going to buy. Or the meltdown I will have if I can’t find anything TO buy and I don’t have THE PERFECT OUTFIT for the reunion.
There ARE three things that are making me feel better about my current level of insanity:
1) That I’m not in danger of putting us into ACTUAL debt.
2) That when I talked to him today My Favorite Twin sounded almost as nervous and stressed as me.
3) That there are women who get LIPOSUCTION and have FACE LIFTS (and certainly Botox… Botox is probably happening somewhere right now for MY reunion) before their reunions. My needing to put together the perfect outfit and have my hair professionally blown out seems comparatively retrained.
So tomorrow I shop… and before I shop I will be putting on the CRUEL UNDERWEAR… which leads to the next section which was supposed to be a separate blog but fuck it.
IMTERMISSION
The Cruel Underwear and the Freaky Boot – Adventures in Macy's.
After working out diligently and being fairly good about my diet (Sunday night we had garlic bread with dinner and I only ate ONE slice) for the last month I have lost some weight and parts of my body are looking better and tighter. They are not, however, looking anything like they did in high school. So yesterday I went shopping for the official (and aforementioned) CRUEL UNDERWEAR for my much cursed HS reunion.
It was truly a memorable experience. The entire thing probably would have been much less traumatic if I hadn’t forgotten my cell phone flask. That wonderful little gadget has allowed my friends and I to try on and purchase bathing suits without even a single outburst of tears. Sadly, I went into this both sober and solo. You might think it is a good thing that when you literally trip, get one leg stuck and fall over in the changing room there’s no one to see it but it actually makes it worse. With someone else there, that’s funny. Especially if they’re handing you a drink while they laugh at you. By yourself you just feel that much more tragic, uncoordinated and fat.
I spent a good hour wriggling into and out of many MANY incarnations of the tastefully named “shaping garments" (Fat Squishers, while more accurate, wouldn’t look as nice up on the wall I suppose). I spent quite a bit of that time trying to figure out why the makers of said shapewear were under the impression that, along with squishing down my tummy I also wanted to squish down my boobs. I’m barely a 36C with the help of a good underwire! At one point I was actually considering cutting the bra cups OUT of the one that squished the rest of me the best and wearing a regular bra underneath that.
After much struggling and cursing I found a couple items that seemed (when I put my dress on over them) to make me look thinner. I SO was waiting for the shoplifting police to bust in because I was trying underwear on and then putting my clothes on over it. I looked like a shoplifter even to myself. But apparently the cameras weren’t on or they watched long enough to see me take all the evil stretchy garments with HUGE TAGS boasting things like “Look thinner instantly!” off my body and carry them out of the changing room.
So after handing over close to $200 (one more motivation to lose weight – never need to spend that kind of money on something that UNFUN and uncomfortable ever again) I decided I had earned a trip to the shoe department... and was excited because the dark brown color of my beloved (seriously I don’t think anyone is supposed to love an inanimate object that much) Coach bag is apparently very IN this season so I picked out several pairs of matching shoes and boots to try on. I went for the boots first, of course. They were really cute and fit really well but…
Okay... you know how sometimes a zipper on your clothes will get stuck on the cloth part of the zipper? Well the zipper on these BOOTS got stuck on that part (which was made of thin leather) about, oh, 3 inches below my KNEE so leg was completely stuck in the left boot. I wrestled with it on my own until I was sweaty (literally) and finally conceded defeat and YELLED across the department to the guy behind the counter that when he had a chance I needed some help. In the meantime I tried on ONE of all the other shoes with my bare unimpirsoned foot. Then I just gave up and waited, which gave me some time to contemplate my situation. I was like, "wow, that's the worst zipper jam I have ever seen... he's going to have to cut me out of these… I don’t have to buy them anyway do I? Does the you break it you buy it rule apply here? I hope not…How much are these anyway. CRAP! $285… I wonder how long it will take HIM to come to terms with the fact that the only way out of these is with a pair of scissors?"
The answer was a WHILE. And it was a GREAT day to be wearing a short dress since he was like, between my legs yanking on that boot for a good 15 minutes. Luckily for me the whole stuck-boot-zipper-thing happens “every year” and as far as I could tell according to the Macy’s rulebook it was THEIR fault for providing me a faulty boot to try on. The sales guy was incredibly apologetic about the entire thing. His biggest concern was that he didn’t have another pair in my size to replace the one he’d cut off me. But that was okay because by then I really didn’t like the boots nearly as much as I had when I’d first put them on.
After I was freed I tried on both of the one shoe I’d taken a shine to during my captivity and ended up purchasing those. And then I decided that I should probably go home before something else happened. So I did.
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